Meet the bench of bad ideas
The fictional designers behind the loudest sweaters on the internet
These are Jersey Junkies house characters — fully fictional, deeply overconfident, and spiritually marinated in rink coffee. Nobody here is a real employee bio. Everybody here would absolutely argue about stripe thickness for 45 minutes.
House character
Bryce Brodie
“Biscuit”
Chaos-striping specialist and unofficial king of the parking-lot redesign.
Hometown: Flin Flon, Manitoba
Missing teeth: 1
Known for: beer-league heat • custom templates • office chaos
Jerseys on file: 7
House character
Mickey Malloy
“Nine Toes”
Designs every sweater like it owes him money and a ride back to the motel.
Hometown: Duluth, Minnesota
Missing teeth: 5
Known for: beer-league bruisers • aggressive numbering • bad-decision glamour
Jerseys on file: 5
House character
Tony Battaglia
“Bucket Hat”
Patio-energy power-play artist with elite confidence in dangerously fun color fades.
Hometown: Sault Ste. Marie, Ontario
Missing teeth: 3
Known for: retro fades • holiday romance nonsense • party jerseys
Jerseys on file: 5
House character
Randy Rutledge
“Half Shield”
Vintage symmetry purist and self-appointed dean of fake hockey analytics.
Hometown: Burlington, Vermont
Missing teeth: 5
Known for: vintage throwbacks • office-core classics • cream-jersey propaganda
Jerseys on file: 5
House character
Dean Doucette
“The Dekekeeper”
Mascot menace and patron saint of caffeine-fueled logo decisions.
Hometown: Lewiston, Maine
Missing teeth: 32
Known for: mascot weirdness • internet-core jerseys • unlicensed goblin behavior
Jerseys on file: 5
House character
Gordie Gagne
“Gravy”
Holiday-jersey patriarch powered by leftovers, plaid, and zero restraint.
Hometown: Thunder Bay, Ontario
Missing teeth: 0
Known for: holiday chaos • team-mom anthems • fluorescent-rink classics
Jerseys on file: 5